Shootin' the Shit

WARNING: I'm going to talk about feces, bowel disease, etc., openly and honestly. If this isn't your favorite subject, move along. This isn't the blog post you're looking for. There is, however, a chuckle-worthy poop story at the end if you're willing to hang around. Get it? Hang.

Feces. 

Bowel movements.

Poop.

Shit.

Poopity poo poo poop.

Let's talk about poop, baby. Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that BMs be.

That is NOT how it goes.

There's a stigma surrounding open bowel movement discussions and with my mighty fetid flaming sword, I shall cut down my polite-in-public foes! It's important to know your feces intimately, people. Your fragrant fluffs are some of the loudest messages (pfffft) your body can communicate and in staying silent (but deadly?), you could be denying yourself and your favorite medical professionals valuable information about the state of your health. 

Many of you already know I suffer from the always exciting rheumatoid arthritis. Most of you don't know that I also live with another autoimmune issue: ulcerative colitis. It's an inflammatory bowel disease with super fun side effects and in my case, I get flares during stressful periods. My UC symptoms worsen when my RA worsens, usually during the humid (Texas) summer months. 

If only

How does it impact my life? I'm very fortunate in that I have less severe symptoms than most because I don't have the common painful abdominal cramps and I am SO thankful for it. I've altered my diet and behaviors to accommodate both conditions and the changes have helped a good deal. Other than that, I'm on some new medications, my bathroom breaks take a little longer than they used to, and my BMs aren't the same beautiful, perfect poos I once had. Ah, those where the days.

My symptoms started almost a year ago. I was going through a particularly difficult and stressful period with work, school, and my personal life. I wasn't sleeping much and I'd managed to bite all of my nails off again (a good indicator of my stress levels, if you were curious). During the first week of the Summer II session, I had the strangest poop of my life. It was the most bizarre pale clay color and...it was bloody and mucus-y. 

I can't even

This had never happened before. I tried to explain away its ongoing shocking appearance for a couple of weeks before I worked up the courage to tell (and show) The Hubs. He was floored and encouraged me to tell my physician, who immediately pointed me at a gastroenterologist, who promptly scheduled a colonoscopy**. My gastro was 99% sure I had internal hemorrhoids, which would have made for a simple treatment. But, nooooo.

Sho dishapoint

Lesson: look at your fecal matter. Look. At. It. Don't fear it or dismiss troubling poos. The color, texture, floating ability, and smell are all important and they act as indicators. The Bristol Stool Chart is a hand-dandy tool. Do you know what you're eating? Some foods and medications can make your urine and BMs turn colors that even the late 60s would envy. Some foods increase the sense of...urgency. Having a hard time with your plops? Squat like a samurai. Embarrassed of your fragrant friends? PooPourri is an interesting (real) product I haven't tried, but has consistently received rave reviews. 

But above all things, look at it and be willing to talk about it. You would be amazed at how many people have the same questions, concerns, and experiences as you. I hope this encourages and empowers you to take accountability for your poos. It's right there, just beneath the surface, waiting to be uncovered and dropped into the (discussion) bowl. 

Talk about it. You got this.

*****
And now, the embarrassing story, which I will present to you as a series of actions, thoughts, and (non-poop) pictures. I'm telling a story we have all lived in the hopes that you'll laugh at my nonsense and know that you're not alone in the porcelain jungle.

The setup: We got in one night and decided to behave badly and pick up some Jack in the Box tacos on the way home. It's been a while since we've had that kind of junky fast food, so this felt really naughty and fun. I stayed up late to do some homework and only got about 4 hours of sleep. The next morning, I decided to take advantage of the Starbucks gift card my cousin was kind enough to give me for my birthday because I was really tired. I got my ice cold caffeine and started to wrap up my commute to work. Then, 10 minutes from the office...

*singing "wake up" music* "The girls want to be her! The boys want to be her! I wanna be her! So do y--" 

Pucker up

Oh no. Oh nonononononono. I'm almost to work, just hang on. Be strong. Concentrate. You can do this. You can d-- no, no I can't.

Must drive faster, MUSTDRIVEFASTER

Why is this happening again? Why now? This hasn't happened in months! Things were going so well... C'mon, c'mon, c'mon. Longest light ever. Whyyyyyyy? ...Jack in the Box. Coffee... what was I thinking?? C'mon, c'mon, c'moooooon.

I finally pull into my parking spot and go to plug in my car...

Why isn't this working? Whyisn'tthisworking? What's going on?? Oh no! I forgot my card is broken! I have to use the app! IT'S GOING TO TAKE TOO LONG. 

EFF THIS NOISE

Plug in the car after you go to the bathroom. Priorities! Gogogogogo!

Didn't know I could speed walk? Neither did I.

I'm inside, gogogogo. Oh no. I can feel it. It's coming. I won't make it. I won't make it. What do I do? What do I say? "Sorry boss, gotta go home because I pooed myself"?? Who says that? I can make it, I have to make it. I can ma- 

*burst through bathroom door, barely make it to the stall*

PANTS! WHY DO YOU HAVE BUTTONS AND ZIPPERS THAT DON'T WORK I CAN PULL THEM OFF WHY AM I SWEATING

Good luck eating watermelon ever again.

Ahhhhh.

That spells relief.

Teach me to eat JITB tacos.

The end.
*****




** The Colonoscopy Rant: I was pissed that I had just turned 30 and immediately needed a colonoscopy. WTF, body? You figured it was time to completely fall apart when you heard I turned 30? But you know what? If I hadn't been diagnosed, I'd be miserable and in deteriorating health. People with UC have a significantly higher incidence of colon cancer, so I'm totally cool with literally nipping this in the bud. Do not be afraid of having a colonoscopy. Grow up. Your little ego will recover. It is not a violation of your sacred a-hole. You won't even feel it. What you will feel, however, is the day before and that is a story for another day.

This post is in no way a substitute for a chat with your doctor. This isn't medical advice, disclaimer, disclaimer, please don't sue me if you have sad poos, etc.

Nice Double Helix You Got There, Baby

Genetics are awesome, don't you think? Just awesome.

In October, The Hubs and I submitted samples (read: tubes of spit) to 23andMe to have our DNA analyzed. Recreational DNA analysis has become popular and we've read quite a bit about about some of the companies involved and the kinds of results the curious consumer can receive. 

We chose 23andMe because they'd received a lot of coverage and some positive reviews, so we felt comfortable sending them our spit. At the time, they offered both health and ancestral breakdowns, however the FDA recently put a stop to their health offerings because of how the data was extrapolated and conveyed and how folks interpreted (freaked?) and used the data (freaked in the general direction of their doctors).

I know you...

In November, we received our results. Health-wise, they were as I expected. I know the majority of my immediate family's health history, so I know that I have generally elevated risks of heart disease and diabetes (thanks, Mom and Dad) (I'm kidding, I love you and your genes, promise). The health results also go through some genetic-based drug responses, inherited conditions, and traits, like my apparently wet earwax:

lol, sprinter

However, for us, the real fun was in our ancestry results. Seriously, how cool is this?

Oog, fire.

For me, I really wanted to see the my genetic origins. I'm Mexican-American, so I expected my results to show me something interesting. The Hubs...well, The Hubs is as Caucasian European as schnitzel and his genetic composition reflects it. Blue is European. How much blue are we seeing here?

Like, BLUE.

According to the results, he's 99.6% European. That's...definitive.

And mine? I'm pretty damn proud of mine. I'm from all over and I love it.

Colorrrrrs!

While some of my information is "Nonspecific European" or "Nonspecific East Asian & Native American," based on my family history, I can assume the Nonspecific East Asian & Native American is actually Native American. I'd been told my maternal side has a good chunk of "indigenous peoples of Mexico," but it was nice to see some confirmation.

100% me, baby

Side note: I was trying to find a proper distinction for "indigenous peoples of Mexico" by doing a bit of Googling and this is the garbage I got within the top 5 results. Sigh. 

(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻)

You can also do a chromosomal view of the ancestry composition. Chromosomal view. We live in the future, people!

Potpourri 

23andme has a pile of other features, but that would make for a long blog post that reads like an advertisement. For The Hubs and I, this is a fun science experiment. For some people, this has been enlightening and for others, frightening. Some people don't want to know and some can't not know. If you have questions about this, I'd be happy to privately discuss some of my results or about the service itself. If you're curious about the service, I can also send you a 23andme invite.

At least now you can know there's a genetic basis for not liking cilantro.

What Was I Saying?

If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered. -Edgar Allan Poe

Since being diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis in 2010, I've been on a number of immunosuppressant medications. My condition can lead to cognitive fatigue which, when paired with the medications' side effects of possible memory loss, means my memory is effectively shot.

It's difficult to describe how this shift in my cognitive ability has changed the way I approach communication and memory. Like my father (who some call an encyclopedia), I could easily remember (usually useless) tidbits with ease. And now? Now I sometimes forget what I'm saying mid-sentence. 

I, uh, blue?

My mother's memory is also slipping, so you should hear the two of us talking. Sometimes, it goes something like this (seriously):

Me: Did you hear about blah, blah exciting thing?
Mom: Yes! I heard about it when I was looking at a thing I wanted to tell you about...
Me: Cool, I...uh...there was a point I was getting at. I forgot it.
Mom: I wanted to say something too, but I forgot. Also, I wrote a note to tell you about something, but I left the note at work.
Me: Oh. <frown>
Mom: Want a cookie?
Me: Ok!

It's pretty hilarious/sad and there's usually a cookie or candy involved, so it doesn't bother me as much as it used to. Regardless, I've spent the past 4 years retraining my brain to process and recall information differently.

Since I can no longer simply recall information, I've had to attach ideas and memories to images or recall related images so I can know what in the world I was talking about. If I need to remember that one movie that actress with the hair was in, I have to pause mid-sentence, recall the movie character, or recall the poster/packaging/trailer to find the movie title. If you've been fortunate enough to see this in person, it looks like I'm staring into space in the middle of a conversation. It's awkward, but it's been the most effective way I can recall information.

This awkward.

I've also started keeping lists. It's helps keep track of what I need to do. Otherwise, that one important thing I really needed to do? Yup, fell right out of my head.

Deodorant is important.

I've been using Google Keep so I can access my lists on my computer and on my phone, but I'm trying to find better ways of managing my brain.

Has anyone else had memory issues? How do you cope with them and what tools do you use to help you get through the day? 

Um...What was I talking about? Ooo, a cookie!

Yeay! ^ ^

The Hubs

My first post had one (intentional) glaring omission: the husband. We've been married since 2006 and I'm not gonna lie. It's been pretty awesome. He's a geeky guy and he's my best bud. Sometimes we still stay up at night talking and laughing, like it's a middle school sleepover, except we usually have work in the morning (lame).

Anyway, I wanted to give The Hubs his own post because he deserves a bajillion fist bumps from everyone, all the time.

You see, he's the cool, best friend, understanding, supportive hubby type and he always has been... 

...and I will be forever thankful to have him in my life.

When I had my first and worst RA flare, he was there with me every day. For the first week, I was crippled. I couldn't do anything on my own. He had to help me eat and drink because my hands couldn't do the job. He helped me to and in the restroom. He bathed me. There were entire days I don't remember because I spent them sleeping, moaning with the pain, wet with sweat from fevers. For months, he took me to dozens of doctors visits where I gave my blood but we were given no answers. He's been with me every day, holding my hand and supporting me 100%. He's done the research. He's helped me remember my medication. He knows more about me than I do.

I feel I will never be able to express my thanks, but I'll spend the rest of our lives trying.

Aaaand now that the train is stuck in Serious Town, here's a picture of The Hubs the time he shook a container of Parmesan and didn't realize the top was open. 

Boom. Back to the fun.

Bees?

I've been nudged into creating a blog, so here it is.

I've always felt that any blog I create would be perceived as narcissistic because blogs are perfect Me Machines and I'm not a huge fan of this sort of activity. Isn't that the point, though? I'm a very busy person and it's hard to keep all of my doings and interests straightened out and every now and then someone is genuinely interested in why I'm so busy.

So with this, I'm going to show you all the things.

Additionally, I'm hoping this will help me articulate some of my emotions. I feel I've become emotionally detached as a way of coping with my stress and autoimmune issues and while this has absolutely allowed me to adjust and stay functional, life isn't as bright. The last couple of years, I've noticed I'm becoming less empathetic and for now, it's concerning. There may come a time where I'm not concerned and I'd rather that not happen.

Anyway, I'm Lori. I'm 30. I work full-time and I'm a part-time Arts & Technology student at the University of Texas at Dallas. I'm trying to decide if I want to get into game design or 3D modeling. This career shift is...scary. Scary, but necessary. You see, when I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis in 2010, I spent some time reflecting and upon learning that my life will likely be shorter than it otherwise might be, I decided I'd much rather spend my time doing things I love (or at least like) than not. Wouldn't you?

So! Here I am, rebooting at a time when my friends, family, and peers seem to be settled and progressing. It's frightening and exhilarating.

I've also started gardening, but whatevs.